In a year when Wall Street spent billions on artificial intelligence, machine learning, and algorithms sophisticated enough to predict your next sneeze, Nancy Pelosi managed to outperform them all—without so much as an Excel spreadsheet. Closing out 2024 with a jaw-dropping 54% return, Pelosi’s portfolio left even Renaissance Technologies and their quantum computer army eating her dust.

Naturally, the internet couldn’t let this slide without commentary. Social media is overflowing with memes, conspiracies, and half-serious questions about whether Pelosi secretly moonlights as a financial oracle—or just has better Wi-Fi.

AI’s Billion-Dollar Flop

Wall Street’s finest minds—armed with Ph.D.s from MIT and algorithms that supposedly "learn" from every market hiccup—are still trying to figure out how their meticulously designed models lost to a portfolio lovingly tracked by an account called “Pelosi Tracker.”

“We’ve deployed the most advanced neural networks to predict the future of the markets,” said one hedge fund manager who requested anonymity to hide his embarrassment. “Turns out, we should’ve just copied Nancy.”

The hedge fund industry collectively spent billions refining their predictive models this year, only for their returns to cap out at a measly 20%—roughly what you could’ve made if you’d just invested in an S&P 500 index fund and taken a nap. Meanwhile, Pelosi continues her reign, moving in and out of trades with a precision that would make even Renaissance Technologies jealous. “It’s not luck,” another fund manager admitted. “It’s witchcraft. Has to be.”

The Inverse Cramer Strategy Dethroned

For a time, the internet’s favorite trading joke was “Inverse Cramer,” the strategy of doing the exact opposite of whatever Jim Cramer recommended. This highly scientific approach managed a respectable 43% return in 2024, which would’ve been impressive… if Pelosi hadn’t casually clocked in at 54%.

“I thought I had found the holy grail of investing by inversing Cramer,” said one disheartened retail trader. “Now I’m wondering if I should just start Pelosi-tracking instead.”

Even Cramer joined in on the self-deprecating humor, tweeting, “Congrats to Pelosi. I’m going to start following her moves too… assuming she doesn’t short me first.”

Theories Abound: A Time Traveler or Just Well-Connected?

The internet, as always, has theories. Some are convinced Pelosi is a time traveler with access to tomorrow’s headlines, while others believe she’s harnessed some yet-undiscovered quantum technology. The most cynical observers, however, argue her returns might have something to do with her, shall we say, unique access to the inner workings of Congress.

“Call it what you want,” tweeted one user. “Insider info, divine intervention, or just vibes—Pelosi knows something we don’t.”

The Final Word

So here we are: AI is losing, Inverse Cramer is old news, and Nancy Pelosi is the queen of alpha. Forget billions spent on technology; all you really need to outperform the market is Pelosi’s intuition—or perhaps her phone number.

So the lesson to learn is to ignore the hype: some people are simply irreplaceable.